God Helps me to Understand
God helped me to understand why I “hurry” to do things, things like answer the door even though I’m in my pajamas or not completely dressed. I hurry to answer the phone. I hurry to start a project. I hurry to start a job that needs to be done at work.
When I was in an abusive marriage, I hurried to obey what I was being told to do (even though a lot of times I rebelled against what I was told to do). I realized there was a consequence for not doing what I was told to do, when I was told to do it and so I “learned” to hurry. Of course, I learned this lesson due to the abuse in my childhood. I didn’t have a choice but to do what I was told to do. Conversely, because of my parents abusing me, I tried harder to make my parents be pleased with me. Conversely, because of the abuse in my marriage, I tried harder to make my husband not be angry with me and abuse me even more.
I WANTED SOMEONE TO LIKE ME; I WANTED SOMEONE TO BE PLEASED WITH ME.
Therefore, I wanted to do things to make people like me. I hurry to answer the door when someone is knocking, afraid they will leave or be mad at me if I don’t hurry to the door. I hurry to start a job that my boss is telling me to do, afraid he will be displeased with me and think bad things of me if I don’t get started immediately. Unfortunately this causes situations that cause me to mess things up even more and then I beat myself up for being so stupid.
When I hurry to start a project and I don’t know what I’m doing, I end up not finishing it. I get frustrated and overwhelmed because I haven’t taken the time to think about things and find out the best way to go about doing things in order to do the best job. My immediate reaction is to get things started so someone won’t be displeased and angry with me.
I also get aggravated and angry with others who take their time to start something. A committee at church or at work wants to do something and they sit there talking about it for an hour. I have to learn the balance between just getting started so people won’t be angry at me and not talking the subject to death without doing anything about it other than talking about it.
God continues to show me things like this and it helps me to understand and be able to change. This helps me to stop ripping myself apart and having high blood pressure because of trying to please others. Yes, I still want to be liked, but I also have to take care of myself because some people will just use you and you end up a basket case trying to please them and they don’t even care.
I thank God for His knowledge and wisdom and I thank Him for what He teaches me so that I can teach others and for what He teaches others so that they can teach me. I praise His Holy Name.
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